Iceland Doner Kebab Pizza Review
Written by The Human Dustbin and posted in Food, Frozen, Pizza

When I think of Pizza, I think of a thin base, with rich tomato sauce, Milano salami or Etruscan Pepperoni, with buffalo mozzarella.  However, it’s not that often that I’m flushed enough to spend £5 on a top-end supermarket pizza.  That being said, paying just £1 for a pizza just seems wrong, especially when you could not find anything in Lidl, that cheap.  Iceland had a number of pizza varieties in their £1 range and given a choice, a bizarre fusion of chav takeaway favourites would be my last.

Iceland Doner Kebab Pizza, misleading boxUnwrapping this monster, it was clear that the amount of topping on the real thing did not match the illustration on the box.  I know this is often the case, but this specimen frankly took the proverbial piss.  In fact, the only way this could have been made cheaper, would be to get a cash-and-carry margherita pizza, scrape off half the cheese and show it a doner kebab before it’s packaged, with just a meagre 7% reformed lamb.

After removing the packaging, a vague smell of kebab hit my nostrils and on closer inspection it was the same faux doner meat as used in the Snacksters Doner Kebabs.  However, I tried to convince myself that being baked rather than microwaved, might improve the taste if this ‘lamb ham’.

Iceland Doner Kebab Pizza, cookedAfter baking the pizza strictly to the manufacturers instructions, this is what it looked like.  I sliced it into quarters in order to take a picture of the pizza photography ‘pop-shot’, which is known in the trade as ‘the stretch’, pulling a sliced section of the pizza from the plate and seeing the mozzarella stretch out.  There was simply not enough cheese on this pizza to do that, this was to be the first of many anti-climaxes.

So what does it taste like?  This was a serious challenge as it was by far the most tasteless item I have yet tried.  The meat had that unmistakable faux doner taste complete with lingering aftertaste but there was so little of it, it wasn’t the main flavour, which was the red onion.  The base was made of such cheap flour, that it was virtually tasteless.  It tasted like it needed seasoning.  It was simply a cotton wool wodge of carbohydrate.  The Tomato sauce was the right colour and that was about it.  It also had a slightly sweet edge.  The cheese was just edible rubber.

If this was your first experience of pizza, it is liable to put you off it for life.  There comes a point when to make a product that retails for just £1, you destroy its very essence that makes it a pleasure to eat.  As for the R&D person who thought it was a good idea to concoct this fusion food monstrosity, please, please, give up your day job.

Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 1/10
Value: 3/10
Overall: 7/30

Retailer:
Iceland Foods Ltd
Manufacturer:
Iceland Foods Ltd
Cost:
£1.00
924
  • Anton Gully

    The base IS completely tasteless but I kinda like the topping. It’s not horrible, in my opinion. But 90% of a pizza should be the crisp crunch when you bite into the base, so… not so good.

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  • CW

    I have to agree. The topping can be okay, but for the most part there’s not enough topping to actually have a taste explosion. I usually strip the base of all toppings.

    ASDA’s “Create-your-own” are far superior and only £2 more.

  • Coco

    Are yes Iceland pizza,resembles a cow pat from a cow that has been out on the lash for a weekend and has eaten one of Icelands cheap currys which didnt agree with it.Lets be honest they taste as bad as they look cheap and nasty,what I do is cut the picture out on the box add some reggie reggie sauce then eat it in a darkened room,the actual pizza I leave in its cellophane wrapping and then nail it to my living room wall,I have over 2000 of them,they make great wall art,sort of a Banksy type thingey me bob.

    • Fred Fuckwit

      You’re a bunch of snobs. You’ll NEVER appreciate food, because you’ll always be thinking of the “better” food you could be eating with your pretentious friends. Pull your heads out of the sand, and thank God you have ANYTHING to eat, and the luxury of choosing.

      Losers.

      • Pudge

        @Fred Fuckwit

        Fuckwit by name, fuckwit by nature!

        I’d rather forrage for nuts and berries in the woods than eat this fucking waste of ingredients.

    • P Strange

      Quality comment, Coco.

  • Edgar Allan Pooh

    Why fat arsed mums go to Icelands.
    Pizzas and pies dripping with artery clogging goo
    Jelly and icecream that go straight through you
    20 bargain barbacued pork ribs just like the ones you get down the pub
    Except these ones have no meat on them,youve been done you fucking stupid mug
    Just a bag of bones to suck on covered in shity cheap sauce
    Proberly not even pork,their a cat or a horse
    Any old shit they can pass of and sell
    Rotton stinking pies and sweaty sausages with thick sauces to cover the smell
    Yum yummy look chicken nuggets hidden in spicey bread crums
    To hide their made up of feet brains and featherless bums
    Ice creams with strange additives at a suspitious cheap price
    That give your kids throbing headaches and diarrhea thats not nice
    Lots of sticky buns,fairy cakes and other nasty cheap horrid things
    From deep fried cheap chicken,cardboard chips and rancid onion rings
    Juicey fat 100% beef sausages what a bargain ten for a pound
    Full of 100% cow bollocks forskins eyeballs and tails
    Cheap eggs full of bird flu,diease and strange chems
    From concentration camps full of millions of deformed stir crazy hens
    Pictures on boxes that make it all look so lovely and nice
    In reality its all fucking cheap ingrediants like bulking agents water and rice
    Its all shit Mr Iceland,its all cheap fucking disgusting muck
    Everythings tastless rubbish from your stale bread to your revolting tastelss Peking duck

    • Mongalong

      Bravo. Why not say what you really think?

  • anon

    im sure a pizza for one pound doesnt quite live up to your refined culinary standards, but “this site is not sneering at people on Benefits, but at the supermarkets who market poor quality, nutritionally dubious, crappy food to those on low incomes to make a quick quid.”
    its a pizza, surely this is better nutritionally than fried chips made from 100% organically grown pretention infused potatoes… right?

  • Non Drip Custard

    What I do as I havnt got a girlfriend is take some LSD and then get a pizza and pretend its a girl who has acne and spots and give her a good old rumping…………………..sort of thing…………..is that a bit weird…….I dont think so.

  • tahrey

    Pizza is actually quite an unhealthy food if you analyse it properly. It’s just as starchy as spuds, but it’s refined starch rather than as-it-comes, the base often has some oil in it as well as flour and water, and it usually has a variety of stodgy, salty toppings (cheap high-fat cheese, various sausages, cheap beef mince, fried onions etc). Whereas if the fat you fry your chips in goes any deeper than the first quarter millimetre, and they actually absorb more than a vodka shot’s-worth (you are remembering to pat them down, right?) something’s gone badly wrong.

  • tahrey

    Huh, odd, that was supposed to be posted as a reply to “anon” a couple posts above.

    I would also note that a staple food my not-as-rich-as-she-pretends-she-is mother fed me and my brother on as kids was iceland microwaveable mini pizzas, and it’s something I would never touch again. They are a betrayal of everything that’s good and enjoyable about the pizza concept… squadgy, poorly topped, etc…

    It had such an effect on my bruv that he’s never knowingly touched pizza, cheese, or toast again since she stopped buying them. If this is even half as bad (why change a winning formula?) then it is indeed pretty awful.

  • Grant

    I would just like to thank Coco and Edgar Allan Pooh for caving my ribs in, causing me to hyper-ventilate and almost have my eyes pop out with their comments. Class is not the word! Made my otherwise shitty Sunday!

  • louise

    after stumbling upon this fantastic site,i felt i had to comment,you see i get my son this pizza virtually every friday(my day off from cooking)and now i feel just awful after reading how it really tastes,he has never once complained about the taste,maybe he dont want to hurt my feelings lol,seen as its friday today i best get me arse down to iceland n get him a scrumptious ham n cheese pizza instead lol

  • pumpherstoneblue

    For those that state that this is all that some people can afford get a grip. How much time does it take to make your own pizza dough and create a sauce from a can of tomatoes and grate some cheese and costs probably less. These are for those that can be arsed and are more interested in smoking fags and drinking vodka while they watch constipation street.

    Tried something similar with friends one summer, best we got was fine fare yellow label frozen burgers (mostly chicken bits) completely rank, nonone ate them, the dog scoffed them and was later violently sick. This stuff should be outlawed.

    Greate site by the way!

    • MissEricaCourt

      Sorry I just have to comment here…

      Have you ever made actual pizza? If you have you’ll know that the comment “how long does it take blah blah blah” is completely stupid and irrelevant. From much experience cooking from scratch for dinner parties and even casual buffets I can tell you that making genuine, tasty pizza dough, from scratch, takes at LEAST 3 hours. This is because of the rising process of the dough, which needs to be completed twice for deep pan, maybe an hour less for thin crust. Or are you using pre-packaged pizza dough “mix”? Hmm? Bit of a hypocrite there, that stuff is barely better than frozen, probably the same mix. Proper fresh tomato sauce takes half an hour or more simmering for the right consistency and richness.

      Get your facts straight before you attack those people who have no choice but to cook, omg, FROZEN (!) pizzas as they literally have NO time in between work, looking after kids, housework, etc. Most of us have no time for “smoking fags and drinking vodka” all day, let alone cooking fresh pizza dough. And the cost of fresh pizza is just completely out of range for “normal” working folk if you factor in quality toppings. I will always cook fresh for guests, but it’s a rare occasion that costs me more than I can afford everyday.

      Sure, there are better frozen pizzas out there, and some are actually pretty good. Ristorante pizzas are good, better than takeaway, and at least a quarter of the price. I don’t even have anything against Iceland pizzas (maybe avoid this particular version though). Crust isn’t great, but it’s filling and QUICK when you’re busy.

      Just….Don’t be ridiculous. Or go make me a fresh pizza. See you in four hours. And no, you can’t borrow my money for the fresh mozz, proscuitto and vine tomatoes.

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  • Issy

    I actually used to buy from Iceland, I switched to ASDA instead and their pizza is far better than Icelands

  • Daniel

    My main objection to the £1 Iceland pizzas is the horrible, thick but insubstantial bready base which bears no relationship to a real pizza base. Depending on how you cook it it will either go soggy (if you cook it in a tray) or turn to toast (if you cook it on a wire rack). The crust off the end of a wrapped loaf is more convincing as a pizza base.

    Anyway, the £1.50 Iceland Pizzas are a lot better. The base is thinner and much more pizza like. I quite like these.

  • Anonymous

    one of the worst frozen product in UK

  • Stewart Miracle

    The pepperoni pizzas are really nice in my opinion, for just a pound its bloody awesome.

    Ive since moved to Di Maggios though for my pizza needs, if you want a good pizza you go to an Italian restaurant.

  • Anita Gofradump

    Give thanks to Iceland boss Malcolm Walker for offering cheap meals to council estate mums living off benefits. I’m sure he doesn’t eat any of the cheap Shiite processed food his supermarket sells. No of course not. I met him once, he was so full of himself, I thought his head was going to disappear up his own pompous ar$e!! Northern Tw*t!